(Minghui.org) I have been practicing cultivation in Falun Dafa for 10 years. In the beginning, my improvement was dramatic. Many things that I was not too attached to were removed quickly. For example, I was not attached to money and food as much as before, and I was able to let go of sentiment toward my children. Looking back, my inborn foundation appeared to be good, but it was very hard for me to get to a higher level.

When I wanted to raise my level further, a lot of attachments that were exceptionally stubborn surfaced, which caused a lot of interference in my day-to-day life. Among these, my attachment to fame was very strong.

I came across as being very generous. I always promised to help whenever someone asked. It made no difference if the situation was right or wrong, or whether I had the ability or not. I promised to help because I cared about my reputation very strongly and was afraid that others would think that I was not generous.

I tried to be humble and keep a low profile. However, after the persecution started, my social status and income became much lower than those of many of my former classmates, who were leaders of companies or business owners. I began to feel inferior whenever I went to gatherings with them. I often felt upset about my status and was distracted whenever I encountered conflicts.

I made a lot of effort to look for opportunities to obtain notoriety. The thought of starting my own business came to me over a dozen times. Each time this occurred, however, it interfered with my doing the three things well, and I always regretted it afterward.

Looking Within

I understood from the Fa that my life is for cultivation, and that I needed to follow Master’s arrangements, as well as balance different aspects of my life. However, due to my lingering attachment to fame, I became distracted over and over again, which wasted a lot of valuable time.

I finally realized that I had no hope of becoming famous, but then started to be attached to seeking admiration among practitioners. I always came to group study and talked about my cultivation experience. Gradually, I came to regard myself as a “leader.”

I did not notice this until a practitioner who seldom showed up talked a lot during the group study. I became unhappy since he seemed to be taking over my position. Although I did not say anything, I foolishly focused on finding his shortcomings.

Later, I calmed down and realized my horrible attachments to fame and jealousy.

When I submitted articles to the Minghui website, my attachment to fame was fully exposed. In the beginning, I was very humble and just tried my best to share my cultivation experience. Then, when some of my articles were published, I started to feel proud of myself. Later, whenever I turned on the computer, I would first check to see if my articles were published.

My attitude completely changed from being humble to becoming complacent, from writing articles to enrich the website to writing only for the sake of publication. I did not maintain a pure mind and developed a strong attachment to validating myself.

In fact, even if someone has some abilities, those abilities were bestowed on him by Master. But some practitioners mistakenly believe that they developed a special ability or talent on their own.

I realized that my attachment to pride had gone to the extreme. At this point, I knew that my xinxing level had dropped. I was writing with the purpose of validating myself. So how could these articles be any good in the end?

My wife suggested that I change my pen name. I told her that I would not be recognized if I used another name. I mistakenly thought that I had earned some notoriety through this work. If I changed my pen name, wouldn’t I lose it?

Whenever I was disturbed by my attachment to fame, I tried to find the answer by studying the Fa. But the process always seemed like peeling off a layer of an onion. Just as I got rid of a portion on the surface, I found that this attachment had a deeper root! This made it hard for me to clearly discern my cultivation status.

This strong attachment had affected my dedication to doing the three things, so I was very distressed and remorseful. I wondered why I could not let go of such a minor thing and why I had to face it over and over again. My notions about my so-called reputation sometimes became even stronger. I was deeply disturbed and did not know how to move forward in cultivating my character.

Reaching a Breakthrough

After searching within many times, I finally discovered the issue that made me uneasy and controlled my thoughts. It was my strong attachment to self, which was formed over many lifetimes. This “pseudo self” was very conceited; it always stubbornly considered itself to be great and very smart. Because of this, I could not tolerate a bit of criticism. Otherwise, the “pseudo self” would suffer.

Since I considered myself to be great, I always looked for opportunities to show off. And I could never let it go! At its worst, I even ridiculously created opportunities to show off and prove myself. For example, once no one noticed that my article was published on Minghui, so at the group Fa study, I deliberately told everyone that I was the author.

Looking back, I realized that I always tried to stand out in ordinary society and to ensure that others knew that I was very capable. I often obsessed to the point where situations became very frustrating, and I made a lot of ridiculous mistakes.

Master said:

“I also want to tell you that your nature in the past was actually based on egotism and selfishness. From now on, whatever you do, you should consider others first, so as to attain the righteous Enlightenment of selflessness and altruism. So from now on, whatever you do or whatever you say, you must consider others—or even future generations—along with Dafa’s eternal stability.” (“Non-Omission in Buddha-Nature” from the Essentials for Further Advancement )

In order to enter the new universe, we have to put down all notions of selfishness. This is a crucial test for everyone. The new universe is completely aligned with selfless intentions and actions, so during our cultivation we have to change fundamentally from selfishness to selflessness, or we will be unable to become the lives of the new cosmos.

After enlightening to this, I put down my superior, arrogant “pseudo self.” I then felt that I was a very ordinary person, with an ordinary person’s attitude. Everything is bestowed by Dafa, and we should be thankful for the opportunity to attain true salvation! When I understood this, I no longer cared about my petty attachments to fame, gain and loss.

As cultivators, we would have much less interference if we focused on doing the three things with a pure attitude. We are now in the final phase of Fa-rectification, and time is passing so fast! Yet, there are still a lot of people who do not know the truth.

In order to help more people be saved, we have to cultivate ourselves well and put down our attachment to self. Only then will we be able to fully use the wisdom and ability bestowed upon us by Dafa.

This is just my understanding at my current level of cultivation. Please correct me if there is anything improper.