(Minghui.org) I am a young Falun Dafa practitioner and I've known Dafa was good since childhood. Out of curiosity, I read all of Master's Fa teachings in 2014 and began practicing after that.
Through Fa-study, I understood the responsibility and deeper meaning of being a Dafa disciple. I began to do things to clarify the facts, but my understanding of the teachings remained at the superficial level.
While talking to people about Dafa with many attachments, I was arrested and held in a detention center. Because of me, both my uncle and my mother were arrested. My uncle had just been released from prison for practicing Dafa and my mother had restarted practicing not long before. I did not know how to cultivate yet. I was scared and upset.
But no matter how scared I was, I had one thought: “Let my uncle and mother go, I will accept whatever comes.” Maybe because of that selfless thought, Master protected and strengthened me. My righteous thoughts grew bit by bit, and my fear gradually dissipated.
With Master's encouragement and inspiration, I began to do the meditation in the detention center regularly until I was released. I also realized that I had not done anything wrong or violated any law. I persevered in sending forth righteous thoughts that I would be released without any condition. Fellow practitioners also did many things to get us rescued. Nine months later, we were set free.
After I was released, my fear of persecution was much stronger than before. I did less and fewer things to validate the Fa. I felt I was sliding down and far away from following the Fa. But no matter how bad my cultivation status was, I never thought of giving it up. With Master's help, I gradually improved.
I often asked myself, “What is true cultivation? How do I cultivate solidly? How can I believe in Master and the Fa unconditionally? How can I have the courage and great wisdom that a great enlightened being should have? How do I cherish the Fa and revere Master?”
When I studied the teachings with a calm mind, I eventually found to my answers. Master has taught us everything in his teachings, how come I did not realize it in the past? How slow I was! And I lacked insight!
Only then did I realize what went wrong with me – I had placed myself above the Fa. I used to think that as long as I looked within, even though I did not study the teachings much, I could still enlighten to them. That was the “demonic interference from one's own mind” that Master has mentioned. How dangerous! I looked deeper within to find the cause. What notion was preventing me from completely believing in Master and the Fa?
I suddenly remembered a sentence from Zhuan Falun: “And because he would still be prone to jealousy, he might start feuding with the divine beings there.” (The First Talk, Zhuan Falun)
I realized that, all along, I had harbored a rebellious mentality and didn't fully submit myself to the Fa. I didn't want to listen to Master unconditionally.
I realized that because of my intense jealousy of Master, I didn't want to fully submit to the Fa or listen to him, even if I knew he could save me. I was startled by my attachment and ignorance! At that moment, much of my rebelliousness and disrespect for Master was dissolved.
Even though I realized I was jealous, I still couldn't seem to have sincere respect and reverence for Master. I knew this was something I must have, but I also understood that this was something only to be achieved by gradual cultivation and the letting go of my strong sense of self.
Every time my mom and I visited my grandmother (both are also practitioners), my mom always knelt down in front of Master's photo to show her respect. My heart was full of contempt when I saw her do that because I felt it was pretentious. I had always thought that until not long ago, when I suddenly sensed something wrong with my notion.
The next day while I was reading the Fa, that image of my mom kneeling down in front of Master's photo came to my mind again. That's when I realized that I had to take a serious look at why I had that thought.
This time, I saw how strong my sense of self-esteem was. I didn't have a clear understanding of my relationship with Master. I stubbornly held onto my self-esteem and pride and didn't want to dedicate myself to him. Compared to my mom, how poor my enlightenment quality was.
After I realized my problem, Master removed the degenerated substance from me. I felt much more humble, and my faith in Master grew much stronger. I had a deeper understanding of what is “true cultivation.”
Deep down, I found another strong notion of mine, which was not believing in the divine. I would believe fellow practitioners even more than Master. Because I knew they were real human beings, whom I could see in real life. My faith in the Fa was built upon the faith of other practitioners. When they said that Master and the Fa were good, I believed them. And when they said that Master could save us, I also believed them. But my belief wasn't from myself, but from fellow practitioners.
Now I finally understood why I couldn't remain firm in my faith in the face of the persecution and why I couldn't step up to validate the Fa like an enlightened person. That was because what I believed in was human, not divine. How far could I ever go in cultivation if I were to follow a human being?
I am deeply grateful to Master for not giving up on me and for tolerating my ignorance, arrogance, and poor enlightenment quality.
Thank you, Master, for your inspiration, encouragement, and protection. I will walk well the last leg of our Fa-rectification journey, catch up with the pace, and save more sentient beings.