(Minghui.org) Greetings, Master and fellow practitioners:

I live in the south of France. From the time I was a child, I preferred living an isolated existence. When I was with other people, I felt a sense of inferiority. One day, someone said that I was like a mussel that closed when touched. This inferiority complex often manifested itself when I felt hurt, when I had difficulties at work, when I did not do well with Dafa projects, or when other people disagreed with me. I was unsociable, upset, and sad. 

Looking Inward to Find the Nature of Jealousy

Since I practiced Falun Dafa, I tried to look inward as much as possible. When those emotions and attachments were exposed, I would look inward and analyze the causes. I realized this introversion was another invisible manifestation of pride. From my appearance, some people might have said that I was calm and kind. In fact, my heart was not calm, and I was often disturbed by negative thoughts and complaints. I called it an invisible manifestation of pride, because both introversion and pride resulted from feeling unbalanced.

After reading Zhuan Falun over and over again, I realized that both underestimating and overestimating myself would lead to jealousy.

Master said, “... not eliminating the attachment to competition can both easily lead to jealousy.” (Lecture Seven, Zhuan Falun)

What is the attachment to competitiveness? I understand that it is a manifestation of the attachment to competitiveness when you either envy others or look down on them. It is easy to develop jealousy when we compare ourselves with others. 

For example, I would observe how well other practitioners did when we clarified the truth about Falun Dafa to people. I would compare myself with them and see if I was as good as they were. It is not a bad thing to compare the effect of explaining the facts so we can learn from each other in order to do better next time. But I was always negatively affected when I did that. If I saw that other practitioners could clarify the truth to more people than I did, I would develop an inferiority complex and feel jealous. If I did better than other practitioners, I would be proud and even look down on them. This way of thinking had really been ingrained in me for a long time, and I didn't realize it until I looked within and dug out the root of my jealousy.

Master said, 

“The issue of jealousy is very serious as it directly involves the matter of whether you can complete cultivation practice. If jealousy is not abolished, everything that you have cultivated will become fragile. There is this rule: If in the course of cultivation practice jealousy is not given up, one will not attain Right Fruit—absolutely not.” (Lecture Seven, Zhuan Falun)

So, how does arrogance or inferiority arise? That inferiority complex made me dare not express myself, made me lack confidence, and kept me from feeling any joy or enthusiasm about anything. Why have I been disturbed by this mood for a long time?

I realized that the reason why jealousy could dominate me for so long was that my mind was pre-occupied with the so-called “self.” This self was not the real me, not my main soul. Over time, this self formed its own concepts based on its happy and unfortunate experiences in life. It had become stronger over time. It wanted to get attention and be cared for. It wanted to hear praise and to be envied. It wanted to show off. It knew what to do to make others envious. When I was laughed at or ignored, it would feel overwhelmed, its imaginary world would collapse, and then it isolated itself and felt defeated.

The self cared about how others viewed me. Thus, on the surface, it showed itself as shyness and lack of confidence. This self was full of all kinds of fears. It was unstable, and it had no calm and clear view of the future. 

Of course, after I started practicing Dafa, all aspects related to jealousy were exposed little by little and removed. My true soul regained control of myself, and I found out why I’d come to this world. 

Caring about Ourselves

Master said,

“If you are free from this sentimentality, nobody can affect you. An everyday person’s mind will be unable to sway you. What takes over in its place is benevolence, which is something more noble.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)

Over time, I gradually improved my cultivation state, and my understanding of the Fa deepened. I started to care about others. That self/ego also weakened. I have a clearer understanding of my inner self that is composed of human notions. I regained my true self.

So why should we still care about ourselves? We care about ourselves so we can validate the Fa and save more sentient beings. How do we care about ourselves then? For example, we arrange our time wisely so that we can do the five exercises and study the Fa teachings.

Treating My Grandson with Compassion Instead of Qing

My grandson is almost three years old. I am very happy whenever I am with him. The innocence of the child is very touching. At the same time, I realized that I could play a positive or a negative role when I am with him. 

This also led to excessive sentiment for my grandson. On several occasions, I felt empty because I couldn’t see him. I had to be careful not to develop new attachments – I had to conduct myself well. I had to stay alert.

Not long ago, I had to choose whether to be with him all afternoon or to participate in a Dafa activity. I’ve had fewer chances to see him due to the coronavirus pandemic isolation rules. I finally decided to participate in the event, but I was upset. After a while I realized that I was nourishing a kind of new attachment. I asked myself: “Is he (my grandson) also sad about my departure?” He did look sad when I left. Obviously, when I left, both my thoughts and state affected him as well. 

So it is my responsibility to take qing lightly, which is good for both me and him. Seeing this clearly, I felt that I no longer was beholden to my attachment, and I felt relaxed.

The entire human society is immersed in this qing. As a cultivator, I must look at qing from a higher realm, assimilate myself to the Fa, and get rid of my attachment to qing.

Not Being Attached to Accustomed Ways of Explaining the Facts

Recently, I started to doubt I was doing the three things well, although I did make solid improvements during the past few years. Objectively speaking, I have Dafa in my heart, and I spend several hours on the computer every day doing projects.

I asked myself why I had this thought, since I had been busy participating in several important Dafa projects. 

I realized I was a little bit lost when I could not go out and clarify the truth to people due to the coronavirus pandemic. Most people were willing to listen to me and provide positive feedback. I always returned home relaxed and felt that I was filled with energy.

I worried because I wanted to see quick results. I eventually realized the importance of doing the project with a cultivator’s mentality. It requires cooperation, patience, modesty, and perseverance to do the projects on the computer. These mentalities are the most important thing if I want to help Master to save sentient beings. 

I realized that, at present, we may no longer be able to distribute brochures and clarify the facts outside, but we can still communicate with people by other methods, such as social media, emails, direct mail, and phone.

I understand that Master does not specifically tell us what to do, but he will give me a hint when I should rectify myself, especially when I do things with the heart of seeking results or showing off.

Master said, 

“True Dafa disciples have higher energy and are able to destroy karma and germs; they are emissaries of salvation in these latter days, and bring their wisdom to bear upon saving people as they share truthful information related to our practice.” (“Stay Rational”)

Thank you, Master and fellow practitioners.

(Presented at the 2020 Online Cultivation Experience Sharing Conference in France)