(Minghui.org)
Greetings, Master! Greetings, fellow practitioners!
I have been practicing Dafa for nearly 30 years. As Fa-rectification comes to an end, our cultivation has entered a special phase, and our challenges are coming harder and faster. I feel I have stagnated in my cultivation and haven’t been able to break through my barriers. I couldn’t even summon my energy to effectively clarify the truth. Nevertheless, I always reminded myself that I was a Dafa practitioner!
I always ask myself if I have enough righteous thoughts and whether I’ve met the high standards of Dafa. Today in this China Fahui, I would like to share my cultivation experiences and tribulations.
After I was released from prison, I quickly devoted myself to clarifying the facts and working on Dafa projects with another practitioner. During that time, I saw that she had many shortcomings.
Learning From the Shortcomings of Another Practitioner
This practitioner did not seem to cultivate diligently. She often criticized practitioners behind their backs. When I didn’t respond to her gossip, she would switch to another way and incite me to criticize others, and then gloat when I did. She chatted about other people while we were doing truth clarification work, and looked sullen when I stopped her. When I asked her to leave because I had to work on a project that had higher security requirements, she would find excuses to resist.
She often imitated my behavior because I looked younger and was more energetic than other practitioners my age. Her constant comparisons with me indicated she had an attachment of jealousy.
Once, I told this practitioner that she didn’t look as friendly as an ordinary person because she always had a grumpy face. I felt that she always looked at people in a weird way. One time after I criticized her, I didn’t pay any attention to her feelings, even though I heard her suppressing sobs while sending forth righteous thoughts. I didn’t think much of it because she smiled as usual after sending righteous thoughts.
She insisted on coming with me, even though I sometimes tried to get her off the project. I kept her around, but felt disdainful towards her. One time, I had several major tribulations one after another, after we finished an important project together. Amazingly, she seemed to be having a happy life with her family.
I overcame the tribulations, but couldn’t work out what had gone wrong with my cultivation. As if to add salt to my wounds, she said, “You didn’t figure out why you suffered the tribulations, did you?” She said it slowly and sarcastically, as if she knew the answers but didn’t want to tell me. Her manner started affecting me, so I began to reject her. She only seemed to participate in Dafa work for her own benefit and improvement. I even began to wonder if she was one of those practitioners who were being directed by the old forces. Such a person should be kept at a distance.
What she did to me made me feel that the old forces had sent her to interfere with my cultivation. She was using me to make it seem like she was doing Dafa work and improving in cultivation. I decided that I needed to stay away from her. Ironically, the more I tried to stay away from her, the more everyone else seemed to think that I was excluding and bullying her. Other practitioners began to criticize me, while she gained virtue and got recognized for it.
Looking Within
I was filled with negative thoughts about this practitioner from then on, and no longer interacted with her with an open heart. I knew I should be looking within, but couldn’t put my heart into it. I didn’t know what to look for. So my mind was in a state of confusion, which, as one practitioner told me, was itself a manifestation of jealousy.
For many years, my cultivation level didn’t improve much. I was unable to truly understand the Fa. After the persecution, I began to realize that my cultivation needed to undergo a complete transformation, and I couldn’t continue as before. I tried my best to do what Master asked.
I started attending group Fa study more frequently. I helped other practitioners who were in difficulties. But as soon as I returned home, the negative thoughts came back, and I just couldn’t overcome them. I was still half-hearted in my cultivation. I wondered if it was a direct effect of jealousy. I seemed to be at a dead end.
This other practitioner had the attachment of jealousy, but she still cultivated herself silently, in spite of my criticism, and she patiently tried to improve. I, on the other hand, acted like the person described in the “Stealing Qi” story in Zhuan Falun. I harbored only anger and negative energy and turned it into a “big bag of qi”, thinking that I had improved and received gong. I often liked to show off in front of her, yet I complained about her jealousy towards me.
I always felt wronged, and blamed others for being rude, and criticized them for not acting as a cultivator. As a matter of fact, I was just making a fool of myself. I knew the causes of my problem, but didn’t want to admit them. I even tried to cover them up so that I could maintain a good reputation for being a “great” cultivator who has persevered steadfastly through thick and thin.
Jealousy is inherently harmful to both oneself and others, but in my case, it hurt me and benefited the other practitioner. Because of my imbalance and disdain towards others, I was exploited by the evil and negative beings who interfered with me.
I often questioned whether I had truly refrained from gossiping about people. If I had, I wouldn’t have been lured into gossiping with others. It was obvious that I failed to meet Dafa’s standards for a cultivator.
This other practitioner talked like an everyday person unintentionally while clarifying the truth, but I criticized her intentionally, just to show that I had a righteous and pure mind while doing Dafa work. I didn’t like that she ignored me when I tried to send her away. Looking within, I also didn’t like to listen to others, unless the person was far superior or highly accomplished in cultivation. I didn’t like that she wanted to be around me; I didn't want her to learn from me and surpass me in cultivation.
Eliminating Jealousy
Looking within, I realized that I was not only jealous but also arrogant. Arrogance, if severe, gives rise to demonic thoughts, making me believe that I was superior to everyone, and so I belittled them. Due to my arrogance, I didn’t compare myself to other people, and even disdained such comparisons. Influenced by the evil party culture, I hid my attachments and avoided facing my notions, so I lost many opportunities to properly cultivate. I almost ruined my cultivation and destroyed myself.
I looked down on this other practitioner and hurt her, yet I only cared about how she showed no sympathy when I suffered. If I hadn’t looked down on her, perhaps she would have behaved differently.
Jealousy is a demon. It is frequently used by the old forces to disrupt our cultivation, isolate and divide fellow practitioners, and undermine Fa-rectification and our saving sentient beings. It must be completely eliminated, and I am now capable of eradicating it.
One sign of my diminished will to persevere in cultivation is that I couldn’t keep up with doing the exercises every morning. I cultivated diligently before 1999, and I always practiced the exercises outdoors, rain or shine, at sites where there were people around to see.
I became lax in my cultivation in the last two years. For a long while, I didn’t feel like doing the morning exercises, and did them only for health reasons. I knew that my cultivation level was dropping significantly, but I was powerless to change this situation and helplessly watched my body age.
One day, I was walking with a woman in her sixties on the way to catch the high-speed train. Someone asked me about my age. When I told him, he stared at me and said that I didn’t look my age. I thought he meant that I looked younger. But he then told the woman that I looked much older than her. He ignored me and chatted happily with the other woman. I felt so dejected, but I was also keenly aware that something was wrong with my cultivation. Instantly, I knew that I should keep up with the exercise practice.
So I meditated for a much longer time. After the meditation, I felt so sore and stiff in my legs that I had to move around and relax my muscles like an everyday person. I also felt uncomfortable all over my body and had to lie down to rest. Because of my attachment of complacency, my morning practices only lasted for two days.
I had gone to bed late and gotten up late for the past two years. But my cultivation was still not good. So I changed my sleep habits, going to bed early so that I could wake up early. However, my problem still wasn’t solved, and I woke up even later. I felt helpless and didn’t know what to do.
When discussing cultivation problems with other practitioners, we agreed that many of us still have not truly assimilated into the Fa and become selfless. For this reason, many projects, including doing the morning exercises, did not yield the desired results.
Saving sentient beings with compassion and kindness can be done only when we follow Master’s requirements to become selfless and when we fundamentally break through the arrangements of the old forces. Miracles can happen once the thought of “selflessness” is there. The next morning, I woke up naturally at 3:00 am, without any thoughts or concerns over discomfort, and finished the five sets of exercises.
Due to the responsibility to save sentient beings, I was able to consistently practice in the morning from then on, except for occasions when I was strongly interfered with by negative thoughts. Eventually, I was able to overcome this problem and view things from the perspective of the Fa.
I was moved to tears by a scene in a video where Master turned around to correct practitioners’ exercise movements. Most of the time, my thoughts were interfered with by the old forces from other dimensions, especially when my mind was not in a good state. I didn’t cultivate diligently, but I was still able to hold onto the thought that I am a Dafa practitioner. Looking at Master while he was instructing other practitioners in the video, I strengthened my righteous thoughts that I would not let Master down!
I still have many things to do and many shortcomings to be corrected. There are many areas where I have fallen behind and need to improve. Only through continuous and diligent practice will I be able to live up to Master’s expectations.
Thank you, Master!
(Selected submission for the 22nd China Fa Conference on Minghui.org)