(Minghui.org) My mother introduced me to Falun Dafa in 1998 when she took up the practice. Although only a child then, I had a good grasp of what Dafa really is and my true purpose in this human world. Unfortunately, before I could fully commit myself to Falun Dafa, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) banned the practice and launched a nationwide crackdown in July 1999. Despite the regime’s smear campaign, I never doubted Dafa’s goodness.
During the following decade, I went to college, moved to Shanghai to pursue my dream in the big city, and began a serious relationship. A series of events altered my life in 2009 and prompted me to revisit the idea of practicing cultivation. First, my long-term boyfriend broke up with me. I was then laid off after only two months on a job that took me six months to get.
Minutes after being let go, my mother texted me and told me that my grandmother had passed away. I went back to my hometown for the funeral. Looking at the handful of ashes that used to be my beloved grandmother, I kept asking, “How insignificant are human lives?”
I pondered about my life to that point. I’d experienced living in the big city and had my heart broken. During the past decade, I experienced obstacles and pain. Should I cultivate or not? I went back and forth. I knew Dafa is good and knew I came for this Fa. I also knew this human life is full of sorrows. “This is what I’ve been waiting for, then why can’t I make up my mind?” I finally decided to cultivate.
As soon as I started cultivating in Dafa, things started to look up. I found a job, and everybody seemed to be nicer. When it came to my cultivation state, I was able to work through and quickly pass each xinxing test that Master arranged for me. I improved in leaps and bounds and was fully aware of my rapid progress. It felt as effortless as picking something up from the ground. I was delighted. It turned out that cultivation was really easy. If I only I had known, I would have stepped into it long ago.
The good times lasted until I moved back to my hometown a year later, and the real test began.
Symptoms of Anemia Worsen
Many practitioners took up Dafa cultivation for health reasons. They have indeed benefited tremendously from Dafa’s miraculous healing powers. My case was completely the opposite. I started cultivating in Dafa in my early 20s, and besides being mildly anemic, I was truly healthy. I had a head full of thick, long black hair, and my skin was fair and delicate. Even when my hair started to fall out after I took up cultivation, I didn’t think much of it, as it was insignificant compared to the amount of hair I had.
In the next few years, I got married and had two kids. Each time I gave birth, my anemia got worse. When I was pregnant with my second child, my hemoglobin count was down to around 50, much lower than the average 120. My obstetrician frowned. looking at my numbers, “Maybe what you have is a rare medical condition.”
I diligently studied and hand-copied the Fa each day. I also looked inward to examine myself. Even pretty late into my pregnancy, I traveled tirelessly to the countryside and distributed Dafa fliers and booklets, as well as clarified the facts about the persecution to people. I spent hours sending righteous thoughts. When I focused my mind, I was able to peek into other practitioners’ dimensional fields and see what caused their tribulations, but I was at a loss as to how to overcome my tribulations.
My xinxing was tested more frequently, and my tribulations increased as my husband and my mother-in-law’s attitudes seemed to turn hostile overnight. Although I continued to improve my character and knew I was moving up in levels, it was with more difficulty and at a much slower pace than when I first obtained the Fa. With a rare blood type and my anemia symptoms getting worse during my second pregnancy, my obstetrician prescribed erythropoietin injections (EPO) and threatened to stop providing prenatal care if I refused.
I spent hours sending righteous thoughts to cleanse my dimensional field. Sometimes, I could see countless red discs resembling red blood cells that were kept separate from me. What amazed me, however, was that Master’s compassion was evident even when the tribulation seemed impassable—despite my low hemoglobin count, I was never sick to the point of being bedridden like an ordinary person would be. Sure, I felt dizzy and sick at times, but I was functioning and still drove 10 plus miles each way to my prenatal checkups and appointments.
After giving birth to my son, I was relieved that I no longer had to have routine blood work done. I stopped paying attention to my blood count but knew it was a loophole in my cultivation that I had to address sooner or later.
Rapid Hair Loss
Three months after giving birth, I noticed my hair was falling out in large quantities to the point I couldn’t grow my hair out anymore. Then, my short hair thinned out. My scalp was exposed, and a wide gap on the back of my head was completely bald. My hair was dull, dry, and brittle. Just running my fingers through it or scratching it lightly caused lots of hair to fall out—the strands varied in length, and some had roots intact.
When my kids were a little older, I took a job at a state-run company where the CCP’s indoctrination of deceit and backstabbing ran deep. I worked long hours, handling heavy workloads, and carefully navigated the toxic work environment and intricate personal relations. On top of that, I had to take care of my kids and family. I hardly had any time to study the Fa and do the exercises. By the end of two years, I was completely burned out, losing more hair than ever, and I even lost a few of my teeth.
My hair was extremely thin, my complexion was sickly yellow, my lips pale, and I looked haggard as if not getting enough nutrients. Going up just two flights of stairs left me gasping for breath. I did not tell people I was a Dafa practitioner because I was such a poor representation of the group and the least convincing case of Dafa’s extraordinary powers.
Many times, I sighed whenever I looked at the countless small hairs left on my pillow. I didn’t know what to do. I had tried to do my best during over 10 years of cultivation. Yes, I still had many attachments, but at least I had always looked inward to examine myself and tried to improve. Why was my condition not improving? There must be a fundamental problem that caused it, but what on earth was it?
I sometimes could see vaguely through my third eye where my cultivation path was leading. I heard Master talking to me on a few occasions. While taking a nap one afternoon, Master told me, “If you could cultivate like the junior monk, nothing can stop you.” Startled, I quickly got up.
I saw Master in a dream one time. He was sitting with his legs folded in full-lotus position. He was patting my head gently like a loving father. It was so vivid and real. How could I not be Master’s disciple?
I’ve had many revelations in the course of cultivation. For instance, it became clear to me one day what my fundamental attachment and pursuit was in taking up cultivation—I wanted to avoid my fate and change my course of life. Cultivation offered a way to shun this chaotic and unpredictable world. It was a calculated decision because I believed I could gain far more from cultivation than from continuing on down the path of an ordinary person. I had so many human notions and attachments when I first started.
I believed Dafa cultivation could give me a healthy body and keep me from getting seriously ill. However, I felt my anemia was different—I thought of it as a result of malnutrition instead of a real sickness. To alleviate the ever-worsening symptoms, I carefully examined my attachments and analyzed every thought of mine, desperately wanting to find the root cause of this never-ending tribulation.
I’ve lost count of how many times I thought I had finally found it, “This must be it!” Yet it didn’t change anything—my condition persisted, and my hair still shed like autumn leaves. It was hard to stay positive, and I felt depressed. I firmly believed in Dafa and never wavered in the past 10 years, even as my health declined. “Am I still not a true practitioner?” Practitioners often say “truly cultivate and cultivate solidly,” but what on earth was truly cultivating?
I decided if I could figure it all out one day, I would write an article and share my experience to help other practitioners.
Making a Breakthrough By Strengthening Fa Study
Master gave me a clear hint last March, telling me that I needed to strengthen my Fa study. I increased the time I studied the Fa and made sure I did it with a calm and clear mind. I started to see the effect and how it transformed my state of cultivation. Before this point, I had grown increasingly passive in cultivation as I couldn’t break through my sickness karma for so long. I told myself that, maybe, this was just my path. Fa rectification is bound to succeed, and I just needed to be patient and wait it out. I told myself, “Just study the Fa and don’t think too much. Only the Fa can help you.”
Two months ago, I started copying Zhuan Falun for the seventh time this year. I paid more attention to each passage as I copied them. Through studying the teachings and developing a deeper understanding of the issues addressed, I was able to find attachments of mine that I had never detected before.
An unfortunate event took place around that time, which affected everybody in the family, especially my mother and me. We both were on the edge and would easily explode given the slightest trigger. One night, my daughter and mother’s banter turned into a heated argument. My daughter, now a teen, is defiant and likes to push boundaries. I was in a bad mood and just wanted to be alone that day. So when my daughter talked back to my mother, I didn’t step in to discipline her.
From my room, I heard my mother say to my daughter, “If you want me to leave, I’ll pack up and leave now. Don’t figure I’ll be afraid of you just because somebody’s got your back.” Knowing my mother and her passive-aggressive ways, I knew that “somebody” was referring to me—she was not happy that I didn’t do anything when my daughter was being disrespectful.
I had always disliked how my mother liked to insinuate and manipulate. In the past, I would likely have started arguing with her. But on that particular day, I held back because I knew if I did, things would turn ugly and quickly get out of hand. To avoid being in that situation, I gritted my teeth and didn’t react. Even when my mother repeated the same thing throughout the rest of the day, I suppressed my anger and kept my mouth shut.
The next morning, as soon as I opened my eyes, a wave of calmness and joy washed over me. I knew it was Master showing me the realm of “Forbearance.” My mother greeted me with a smile as if nothing had happened and asked what I would like for breakfast. It suddenly hit me, “I really haven’t truly cultivated myself all these years.”
My Fundamental Attachment to Self
My entire cultivation journey flashed before my eyes, and I realized that I had not cultivated myself at all.
I had always done poorly in cultivating “Forbearance.” Years ago, after I gave birth, my mother-in-law stayed with us for a month to help with cooking and cleaning. She hid the meat and gave me potatoes nearly every meal for the entire month. My husband sided with his mother and said that women shouldn’t have meat while recovering from childbirth. What a bunch of nonsense! I felt bitter and couldn’t let it go for a long time.
I thought I maintained my xinxing well, however, and tolerated it without getting into any arguments with my mother-in-law. I even prided myself for eventually letting go of my resentment. Wasn’t it enough? Which one of my peers could do this? I grew up in an upper-middle-class family, and my parents worked for government agencies. As the only daughter, I was never deprived of anything. I was sure no other only child with a comfortable upbringing could tolerate being treated this way. Deep down, I looked down on my husband and his mother for their pettiness.
My daughter went through a rebellious streak where she pushed boundaries and talked back to adults. Whatever I said, she had to one-up me and have the last word. “How could I let her be disrespectful and talk to me like that? I must put a stop to it and discipline her. It is my responsibility as a mother!” I even examined myself to see if I had the same shortcomings as my daughter and did indeed find my competitiveness and traces of the CCP’s indoctrination. I thought I did well cultivating myself, despite losing my temper with her from time to time. “But she deserved it—I was right and have always looked inward to examine myself.”
My mother is passive aggressive and can be manipulating at times. I had to tell her that it was wrong and not aligned with the Fa. She is also a cultivator of Falun Dafa and should know better than to talk in such an indirect and dishonest way. I needed to point it out to her so she could improve. This was not being intolerant, was it? Even Master said that if we see a problem in a fellow practitioner but don’t point it out, we’re not being responsible.
I have practiced “Forbearance” within the scope of my own shallow understanding. I even used Master’s words to convince myself that my interpretation of Forbearance was correct. But I had it all wrong.
As for “Compassion,” I thought I had done well when it came to this. I believed that I had been kind and compassionate to others. When other kids bullied my child, I tried to talk to either the kid himself or his parents. I couldn’t let people think I didn’t care or wasn’t taking care of my child. Plus, the other kid was losing his virtue by bullying and taking advantage of others. I couldn’t just let him be—that would not be the responsible thing to do. A relative also cheated us out of a large sum of money. I resented him, but how could I not?
When I let it all sink in, I became alarmed. I have tried to validate the Fa based on my shallow understanding and failed miserably at assimilating Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance unconditionally. How arrogant and reckless was I? No wonder my sickness karma was stubborn and persistent. No wonder my health was getting worse. It turned out that I had not truly cultivated at all.
Getting Rid of My Attachment to Self
Many practitioners have shared about relinquishing the fundamental attachment to self in order to truly cultivate solidly. But what exactly is the attachment to “self?” What is “cultivating solidly?”
I realized that when I tried to let go of “self,” other practitioners’ words came to mind instead of Master’s Fa. Only Master and Dafa can guide us on our cultivation paths. Regardless of when or where, we should only follow Master’s lead and do what is required of us by the Fa.
When I immersed myself in the Fa, I gained new insights about the people and things around me. It became apparent to me that Master has painstakingly arranged everything the way it is so I could easily see my attachments. But for the longest time, I merely went through the motions when studying the Fa, I was completely oblivious to my own shortcomings.
Master said,
“...they can’t understand the Fa on the basis of the Fa, and that makes it easy for problems to come up.” (Teachings at the 2004 International Conference in New York)
I didn’t understand this passage until I drafted this sharing. When I tried to put into practice the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance according to what I believed was right and based on my limited understanding, I was not understanding the Fa on the basis of the Fa. I was understanding the Fa based on my own experience. Only when I completely give up my own thinking can I act as required by the Fa. Only then can I unconditionally assimilate to the Fa and truly understand the Fa on the basis of the Fa.
With this in mind, I examined all the ups and downs in my cultivation and realized that I had never risen above “self.” Without understanding the Fa on the basis of the Fa, I could only do what I knew best within the limitations of my own knowledge. I couldn’t have cultivated solidly, no matter how hard I tried.
In fact, the “self” not only kept me from assimilating to the Fa, it also caused me much stress in life. Because my complexion was sallow, I almost always wore a face mask to cover it up. I found that even under the mask, I often looked anxious because my perfect “self” demanded that everything proceed in an orderly manner to meet an impossible standard of perfection. I had become a slave to the unreasonable demands of the “self” and chased frantically after an unattainable goal. I led such a tiring life.
My egotistic self also led me to trust my own judgment instead of placing complete faith in Master and the Fa. The “self” made me cherry-pick whatever I considered useful from the Fa instead of truly assimilating to the Fa.
Finding Bright Flowers After Passing the Shady Willow Trees
My daughter told me last week, “Mother. The bald patch on the back of your head disappeared.” I also noticed I had been losing less hair lately. I asked her to take a picture of the back of my head and show it to me. Sure enough, the bald spot disappeared, and my hair became stronger and darker. I also had a healthy complexion.
A few days later, my menstrual period came, and the blood was bright red. I also remember feeling stronger and energetic when doing chores a couple of weeks ago. I finished the chores much quicker and even enjoyed it. When we took the kids hiking on the weekend, I didn’t feel dizzy or out of breath.
I looked into the mirror and was surprised to see there was some color in my cheeks. My lower eyelids were no longer so pale, and I no longer looked like a ghost. I was no longer anemic! It was only then that I realized my hair loss was caused by anemia. I had lived with it for so long that I didn’t know what it felt like to be healthy.
Even more amazingly, my daughter changed. She is now sweet and respectful. She tries to be patient and even looks inward to examine herself whenever there is a conflict. All of these positive changes seemed to happen overnight, and I still can’t wrap my head around it.
I knew that my cultivation would look different than before.
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