(Minghui.org) Thank you, benevolent Master. Thank you, fellow practitioners.

Cultivating in ordinary society can sometimes distract us from remembering how precious it is to have obtained the Fa. Those of us who have done poorly in the past should truly cherish every moment that remains for us to cultivate.

This past year I was given what I believe was a final chance to relinquish attachments that I had clung to for too long. Master is so patient and understanding; He told us that cultivation is a gradual process, and he gives us opportunities to improve through tribulations. When we fail, or improve very little, he gives us more chances, over and over, never giving up on us. But, he also told us that we must be strict with ourselves.

Master said,

“Cultivation takes time, but you should not slack off. You may say, “Teacher has said that cultivation takes time—let’s do it slowly.” That will not do! You must be strict with yourself. In cultivation of the Buddha Fa, you should strive forward vigorously.” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)

Over the years, there were many tribulations that I did not regard as an opportunity to cultivate. After so many failed opportunities, I felt I was running out of time. It is as if Master is able to arrange a grace period for us, but if we do not improve within that time frame, our situation may become serious. The tribulations I encountered this year served as a wake-up call and truly helped me to improve.

The tribulations this year were like a lifeline enabling me to wake up and continue cultivation. The bitter suffering was truly the most precious gift. I am deeply grateful to our compassionate Master for his protection and for giving us all the opportunity to cultivate.

Things Reach an Extreme

I had a prolonged illness tribulation for a few years that I simply endured rather than take as an opportunity to improve. My main consciousness was cloudy. As a cultivator, I was supposed to be shedding karma, but I was actually adding karma due to the attachment of comfort and the addictive behaviors that attachment stirred up.

Master taught us about karma:

“Therefore, this black substance becomes separated from the characteristic of our universe. When this black substance accumulates to a great amount, it will form a field surrounding one’s body and wrap one up inside.” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)

I could feel a thick fog around me. Even when I was clear on the Fa principles and knew what I should and shouldn’t do, my main consciousness was weak. The field of karma separated me from the Fa, and my actions were driven by my attachments.

In this foggy state, I didn’t really look within about what the causes of the illness tribulation could be. I told myself I was taking it lightly, that it was good to eliminate karma through enduring suffering and that it was a cultivation test to let go of the fear of death. But, in truth, I could not suppress fearful thoughts about my physical symptoms, and I was avoiding and ignoring the issues out of fear. I was not really taking the suffering lightly nor letting go of anything.

My mind often wandered, and I thought about what I would do if I was faced with the decision of whether to go to the hospital. When I couldn’t stop these thoughts, I feared that I would bring the situation upon myself.

I was full of fear and guilt and believed that the tribulations were my fault, caused by my gaps and failed tests. But Master told us this is also an attachment:

“When you haven’t passed a test in cultivation well, then just make sure to handle well the things that lie ahead and do well the next time you encounter that test, and that’s it. Some people think that [their failing that test] is a stain upon them, and they really feel terribly burdened by it. But isn’t that another attachment?” (“2012 International Fa Conference at the U.S. Capital,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. XII)

Though I remembered Master’s teaching on this, I was paralyzed by guilt and regret, and my physical situation worsened.

Under this pressure, I became more diligent. But wasn’t that out of fear? Was I only cultivating to eliminate the illusion of illness and because of the fear of death? Even my non-practitioner husband, who noticed my increased diligence, gently scolded me, reminding me that I should do the exercises all the time and not just when I was sick.

The guilt stopped me from sharing with other practitioners, and I couldn’t bring myself to ask Master for help. He had already done so much for me, yet I had done so poorly. The old forces preyed upon this attachment until I almost believed they were justified in taking my life. I questioned the power of my gong and righteous thoughts.

I knew that practitioners could not have illnesses and that if I could improve, the illusion would vanish in an instant. I knew that countless practitioners had overcome such tests through steadfast faith in the Fa and Master. But I was trapped by the thought that maybe I could no longer be regarded as a cultivator. I was not sure I deserved Master’s protection.

Master warned us about the seriousness of cultivation many times.

I attended a a Fa conference in New York in 2012 and heard Master lecture in person for the first time.

He said,

“But if you don’t act righteously, what can Master do? Tell me, if you yourself haven’t done things right and yet Master clears away those [old force] beings, could that be acceptable? If you haven’t done well and whenever you have tribulations we eliminate those beings for you, then who would we be saving? That wouldn’t do.” (“20th Anniversary Fa Teaching,” Collected Teachings Given Around the World Volume XI)

On the one hand, cultivation is very serious, and it is possible to fall to a state in which one can no longer be considered a cultivator. On the other hand, being overburdened by past failures is an attachment. With my foggy mind, and being full of fear, it was difficult to find my way.

By December, I had reached a point in which I could barely walk. I coughed when I tried to speak, which impacted my ability to read the Fa aloud, clarify the truth, or do my regular job. It took all my energy to go to work, and I went to bed immediately after I came home. I couldn’t hide the situation, and my family and co-workers were extremely concerned.

My situation only began to turn around when I finally told the other practitioners. I was a member of an intensive short-term project with people I had worked with for many years. We often had to negate illness illusions that would interfere with our projects. As I attempted to push through with my already terrible physical state, the tribulations reached an extreme. I was so cold I could not get warm. One night between the two most important days of the project, I almost couldn’t breathe, and I thought I might die right then. I asked my daughter to bring me her inhaler, but she reminded me that I didn’t really want that. I endured, made it through the second day of the project, andm in a sharing call afterward, I finally told the group what I was going through.

Through intensive Fa study and the incredible support of fellow practitioners, I began to find my way out of the haze.

Facing Death With No Role Models in Cultivation

I spent two months questioning whether or not I should seek medical treatment. Some practitioners’ responses were that the situation was very serious and that I must have firm righteous thoughts to eliminate it, which was certainly true, and that if my thoughts were not strong enough, I might need to see a doctor. Another practitioner took it all very lightly and asked me whether I wanted to cultivate and whether I feared death. He seemed to easily accept that I might die, but even in death, Master would arrange the best possible future for me.

I had a strong fear that if I went to the hospital, I would die. I had visited practitioners in the hospital, and all but one of them died. When my husband urged me to go to the doctor, I even said to him that, if I did, I would be more likely to die! I believed the only way to overcome the tribulation was to cultivate even more diligently, have strong righteous thoughts, have complete faith in Master and the power of the Fa, endure the pain, and let go of the fear of death.

I kept pushing myself, but fear was still the driving force. I was cultivating to avoid death. Although I knew practitioners do not have illnesses, I still struggled to believe that I deserved Master’s protection. It was a constant battle of whether to believe I had gong, whether to believe Master was protecting me, and whether to believe my righteous thoughts were strong enough.

It all felt very complicated. I had fear on both sides of the coin. If I didn’t go to the hospital, I could die. If I went to the hospital, I could die. No matter which way I turned, I was driven by fear. I wanted to be the kind of practitioner I read about in experience sharing articles who could overcome with righteous thoughts. But there are no role models in cultivation. I had to enlighten on my own. Master said,

“If you want to be a cultivator, it is completely up to you yourself to cultivate your heart and become enlightened since there are no role models.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)

The strongest feeling in my heart was that I wanted to cultivate. Being a cultivator was the only issue that mattered, and it mattered more than life or death. I don’t know if I was right or wrong, but I eventually let go of the dilemma. With the wish to cultivate in my heart and the trust that whatever happened would be the best that Master could arrange for me, I went to the hospital.

The doctors were shocked that I had not already died, which made me realize that Master had been protecting me all along, prolonging my life, and giving more time to wake up. I kept reciting to myself, “…It was Teacher who protected me!” (Lecture Three, Zhuan Falun)

The doctors considered surgery, but they weren’t sure my body could take it. I put all my faith in Master and began to let go of fear. I believed that everything was in Master’s hands, including what the doctors would decide to do and whether or not I would survive the surgery. I understood that my cultivation state would also determine what Master would be able to do, so I spent my time in the hospital reading the Fa and looking within.

At each stage it seemed that time was extended. Step by step, there were delays, and when one issue would be resolved, another delay would emerge. I think that was Master giving me more time to shed my attachments. I do not know what it was all about, but it is possible that my thoughts were not yet strong enough, and that without the delays, I may not have reached a state where Master could help me survive the surgery. I don’t know. What I do know is that Master was protecting me all along, and it is thanks to Master that I am here today.

Letting Go of the Attachment of Guilt

As I cultivated in the hospital, a practitioner shared a perspective that surprised me. She told me to have compassion for myself. “Only you matter at this moment in time. No one else matters right now. Only you and Master and your way. Let Master carry you back to your core. Let yourself float. Ask for what you need at every moment. Afterwards, carry less. Demand more. Hand over tasks to others.”

This all seemed crazy and completely opposite of what I had been doing—pushing myself harder, blaming myself. Slacking off is how I got to this state, so how could the answer be to take it easy and be kind to myself?! I told her, “I don’t know how to understand what you’ve said. But I’m trying, and I will keep reading your message until I understand.”

Eventually her sharing helped to crack the guilt that I was holding onto. Through Fa study, I realized that even our failures are the old forces’ fault. It is all their arrangements and Master doesn’t acknowledge any of it. Master wants to save everyone.

Even though I stumbled, I wanted to break free from the fog; return to my original, true self; and fulfill my vow. This heart to cultivate certainly meant something. I realized that my true self was good and pure and was not to blame for the human notions I had acquired in this world and not at all to blame for the old forces’ interference that exploited those human notions. Master did not acknowledge their arrangements, and neither would I. My righteous thoughts became clearer and stronger.

I felt firm that the old forces could not have me, could not take my life. I began to let go of the regret and guilt, and I started to feel worthy of Master’s benevolent grace. If he wanted to save everyone, he certainly wanted to save me.

Even after this breakthrough about being worthy of Master’s protection, I could tell that I had not fully eliminated the notions, because I still couldn’t bring myself to ask Master for help. But my righteous thoughts to eliminate the old force arrangements were stronger, and gradually my thinking began to change.

Sensing My Original Nature

During this ordeal, I had an amazing experience of being able to sense my original true self and being able to differentiate my true nature from the human notions that I am buried inside of. Because I coughed when I tried to speak, I found that if I read the Fa in a softer, higher pitched, more feminine voice, I would cough less than if I tried to read in my normal voice, which was louder, stronger, and on the deeper range of female voices. This gentle voice while I read the Fa gave me a new and different feeling. It brought a state of calm and a broad feeling of compassion. I understood that this calm, compassion-filled gentleness was a part of my original nature. I began to see how much my human “personality” differed from this gentle nature.

I looked within, and I thought about my grandmother who had been a tough army nurse during World War II. I also thought about my mother, who was a young woman during the 1960s feminist movement and who dominated my father. I thought about the time I spent with him when I was very young, climbing trees and rock walls. I thought about other tomboy activities I did and about how tough I had to be as a teenage girl living in a dangerous neighborhood in the inner city. This reflection helped me to differentiate between my original nature and what had been added to me in this lifetime. I also saw that those factors were not my fault. I began to let go of the non-feminine ways that were not me.

Digging Out My Fundamental Attachments

A practitioner shared an insight that I resisted at first. He asked if I considered myself a “super mom” and pointed out that this was a form of ego. It makes me laugh now to recall that at first I felt defensive and a little bit offended. But his observation helped me to finally identify fundamental attachments at the root of my foggy state.

I indeed had a lot of pride about motherhood. I had three children within three years, all delivered with midwives, and I was very proud of enduring the pain of natural childbirth. It made me feel strong. With three young children, my life was always in complete chaos: earning a living, truth-clarification projects, the crises of human life, financial struggles, the challenges of marriage, the children’s schooling, the family’s health, accidents, and on and on. I was constantly in a state of stress. Being able to “manage” all the chaos gave me a “super mom” ego.

I was attached to feeling strong and capable. I enjoyed being praised: “Wow, you are doing so much. It is incredible. How do you do it all? What a good mom you are. What a strong woman you are.” My identity as a mother had become more important than my identity as a practitioner. I worked on my sentimentality about my children, but it never occurred to me that my feeling of stress was self-centered and fueling a super-mom ego.

Digging it out at the root, I realized it was the constant feeling of “stress” that made me feel I “deserved” to relax at the end of the day, “deserved” to feed the attachment to comfort, sometimes literally with stress eating or in other ways like watching TV, excessive sleeping, and other distractions or addictions that a practitioner should let go of.

Master said,

“Over time, that addictive substance accumulates, and forms inside of your body an identical version of you that comes to control you.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2019 New York Fa Conference,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. XV)

When I realized these fundamental attachments were the cause for the thick field separating me from the Fa, my main consciousness became stronger. The fog began to lift, and I gained more control over my actions. It became easier to do the things I should do and stop doing things I should not do.

I began to change and let go of the attachments of feeling stressed and deserving to relax. These days, if I catch myself being very busy and stressed, I stop and say to myself “Hey, didn’t I say I wasn’t going to do this anymore? What do I need to do differently?” Sometimes shifting into a better state is as easy as listening to and singing along to Dafa music during my long commute to work. Or I recite the Fa. All these can change my whole inner state despite how busy my day may be.

Cherishing Fellow Practitioners

I wish I could say that after the lessons this year, I’ve fully overcome the notions and attachments that I became aware of. But I still falter at times and stumble on the same rocks in my path. I hope that writing this experience article will help reinforce the lessons and help me to continue to improve in these areas.

A major lesson this year has been to cherish other practitioners and the power of cultivation sharing. When I felt too guilty to share with others, I was isolated and there was no way for fellow practitioners to help me see my incorrect notions. Master gave us each other and gave us the cultivation form of group Fa study, group exercises, and experience sharing. We should stay close to one another, truly support and rely on one another, and form a strong one body as we fulfill our vows.

Conclusion—Cultivate Steadfastly in the Time Remaining

I feel the tribulation I experienced this year was because I was out of time. It was now or never. I don’t know if that was just my situation, or if it reflects the broader stage we have reached in Fa-rectification. To anyone who has been avoiding cultivating away their fundamental attachments, I urge you to seize this moment. Cultivation is very serious. Do not be burdened by your past failures. Just wake-up and look within.

Master said,

“Whenever there is interference of one kind or another in qigong practice, you should look for reasons within yourself and determine what you still have not let go of.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)

I must add my thanks to all of you for your support this year. Thank you for sending righteous thoughts with me and for me for so many weeks and for your encouraging words and advice.

(Presented at the 2026 Philadelphia Fa Conference)