(Minghui.org) Recently, my husband broke his arm in a fall. Through Master’s guidance, I looked inward unconditionally. Only then did I realize that this tribulation had been brought about entirely by my own jealousy.
I would like to share the process I went through in cultivating away my jealousy and finally letting go completely of the resentment I had harbored toward my husband for many years.
Could Such a Major Incident Be a Coincidence?
One evening, my husband called and told me that he had gotten drunk, fallen, and broken his arm. He had just returned home from the hospital after having X-rays taken, and he needed to go to the city hospital the next day. He asked me to come home early the next morning, help him change clothes, and accompany him to the city hospital.
I run a business that is 5 kilometers from our home. For more than six months, I had been staying there by myself, while my husband stayed at home.
The next morning, I went home early. When I arrived, my husband was sat slumped over the table. He told me that he had been in so much pain that he had not slept all night.
I didn’t say anything. I simply thought to myself, “Isn’t this tribulation something you brought upon yourself?” It was only later, when I looked inward unconditionally, that I recognized what had been behind this thought. It was the jealousy, resentment, hatred, coldness, and lack of tolerance I had toward my husband.
When we arrived at the city hospital, the chief of orthopedics examined the X-rays taken the previous night and said that a small bone on the outer part of my husband’s shoulder had broken off and that surgery was necessary. My husband underwent surgery the following day and returned home afterward. There was nothing we could do but let him rest and recover gradually.
Every day, I had to run my business while also preparing three meals for my husband, making sure there was some variety in what I cooked. I also had to help him put on his immobilizing brace every day. I didn’t yell at him or constantly complain, but inside, I was struggling with all kinds of emotions.
I thought, “You go drinking with your friends every day and don’t come home. You don’t help me with the business either. I have been living at the family business by myself. It’s such a large place, and I’m the only one living there, yet you don’t care about me. And now you’ve gotten drunk, fallen, and broken your arm, and I’m the one who has to take care of you. I have to stay here every day and can’t do anything.” I felt so angry, resentful, and wronged and that things were unfair. Outwardly, I just did everything coldly and mechanically. The only thing that kept me from acting out was that I knew I am a practitioner. So I kept suppressing my feelings and forcing myself to endure them.
Seeing that I still had not awakened to what was happening, Master gave me a hint: Could such a major incident happening to my husband really be a coincidence? Why did I always look at things with human thoughts and notions, and blame others instead of looking inward?
Looking Inward Unconditionally To Remove Deeply Hidden Jealousy
I carefully looked back at every thought and notion I had during that period and asked myself: “What attachment had caused these thoughts?”
My husband had often gone drinking with friends while I was running the business and living alone. For over six months, he had only stayed at the business once or twice, and only because he needed money. He neither earned money nor came home, or helped me with the business, and yet he still asked me for money! One day, I couldn’t take it anymore and said, “Isn’t this going too far? Can’t you behave a little? Can we go on living like this?” But he continued doing whatever he wanted. This brought back all the pain and resentment I had carried toward him for so many years.
Before I began practicing Falun Dafa, I lived in anger and misery. My husband was rarely home. He was lazy and unwilling to work, and dreamed of making big money quick. He also picked up the bad habits of drinking, womanizing, and gambling, bringing tremendous financial hardship and deep emotional pain to me. We argued and fought every day. That deep, piercing pain stayed with me for a long time, and I even thought about suicide.
After I began cultivation, I understood that I needed to be a good person, so I endured it. Later, I read Master’s teaching that “...suicide is sinful.” (Lecture Given at the Conference in Sydney) These words from Master saved me and helped me survive.
Through studying the Fa seriously, I came to understand that these tribulations were caused by karma accumulated over lifetimes. Perhaps I had owed my husband in a previous life, and this was my opportunity to repay that karmic debt. I thought, “If this can eliminate my karma and help me improve my level, isn’t that actually a good thing?” Once I understood this Fa principle, my resentment toward my husband suddenly disappeared, and so did that deep, piercing pain. It was compassionate and magnificent Master, through the boundless Dafa, who healed the wounds in my heart. I truly experienced the immense power of Dafa.
Yet recently, my resentment toward my husband resurfaced. Sometimes I couldn’t even calm down while doing the Dafa exercises. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became, to the point that I wanted to divorce him. I knew these thoughts were wrong, but I couldn’t control them.
Because my main consciousness was not strong, even when I looked inward, I was still doing so with human thoughts and notions, and only conditionally. In essence, I was still looking outward. By constantly resenting my husband, wasn’t I actually throwing black substances into his energy field? What attachment was causing this?
One day, while reading the section “Jealousy” in Zhuan Falun, I suddenly understood why I had been unable to eliminate resentment toward my husband, despite repeatedly trying to cultivate it away. It was all caused by a deeply hidden and cunning attachment of jealousy.
Cultivating Away Jealousy
Once I recognized this jealousy, I looked back at every thought, word, and action of mine over the past six months. I saw that the various attachments arising from jealousy had been present everywhere and at all times: competitiveness, impatience, eagerness for quick success and immediate benefits, reluctance to deal with trouble or endure hardship, and, deeper still, my stubborn attachment to saving face; my tendency to argue and make excuses whenever someone criticized me; my inability to tolerate being wronged; my habit of pushing problems onto others and blaming them; my arrogance and lack of humility; my attachment to my own opinions and sense of self; and feeling that I was somehow extraordinary.
This selfish and greedy jealousy, this constantly dissatisfied heart that feels things are unfair everywhere and at all times, keeps me tightly bound and unconsciously trapped in the cycle of human attachments, thoughts, and emotions, unable to break free from them.
I must cultivate it away completely, tearing it out from the very root. As I resolved to eliminate my jealousy, I suddenly noticed a little compassion arising in my heart. I began to feel that my husband was actually quite pitiful, and my resentment toward him disappeared completely. Silently, I said to him in my heart, “It was because I haven’t cultivated well enough that you have had to suffer so much.”
In fact, my husband is a precious person who understands the truth about Dafa, and he supports me practicing Dafa. When I go out to clarify the truth, he doesn’t interfere, and only reminds me to stay safe. When I needed to exchange money for fellow practitioners to use as truth-clarification currency, he even asked his friends at the bank to help me get them. When I wrote truth-clarification letters to people in the public security, procuratorate, courts, and justice systems, he also used his connections to help me find their addresses and phone numbers.
When he sometimes behaved badly, it was the result of the harm inflicted by the evil communist spirit. I am fortunate to practice Dafa. Master has guided and awakened me through layer upon layer of Fa principles and protected me, enabling me to reach where I am today. Dafa disciples came to assist Master in saving people. How could I possibly dislike or resent my husband?
Now I still help my husband put on his brace and prepare his meals, just as I did before. But my heart has undergone a profound transformation. I am truly doing these things with a heart of great compassion, kindness, and forbearance, treating my husband, and everything, with sincerity and compassion.
I have finally let go completely of the deep resentment I harbored toward my husband for so many years and am once again being the caring and considerate wife I should be.
Conclusion
Through this experience of cultivating away jealousy, I have truly come to understand that jealousy is essentially a selfish and greedy heart, a heart of self-righteousness and self-importance that seeks fame and personal gain out of selfishness and greed. The only way to overcome it is to study the Fa seriously, follow Master’s teachings, do the three things well, and truly look inward unconditionally. We must hold ourselves strictly to the standards of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, assimilate to Dafa, and make compassion and forbearance the natural state of our lives.
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Category: Improving Oneself
