(Minghui.org) I was born in the 1970s and indoctrinated with Chinese Communist Party (CCP) culture. I was strongly impacted by the mindset of struggle, hatred, and competitiveness. I joined the CCP’s Youth League in 6th grade at my elementary school and became a CCP member before graduating from college. I thought I was on top of the world.
After the CCP started persecuting Falun Dafa, I believed the CCP’s slander, and thought that the staged Tiananmen Square self-immolation was real, so I harbored much prejudice against Falun Dafa. In 2006, I later had a chance to read a pamphlet that disclosed the truth of the self-immolation incident, and later read the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party. My heart was deeply shaken. I decided to withdraw from the CCP and its affiliated organizations and began to re-examine the Party, which claimed consistently to always be right.
After listening to Master’s Fa teachings, the seeds of cultivation began to take root in my heart. In September 2013, I began practicing Falun Dafa. I would like to report my cultivation experience to Master and share with fellow practitioners.
Solid Cultivation Leads to My Son’s Recovery
My son, who had been very well-behaved since childhood, dropped out of college in 2018. He stayed at home, and his lifestyle was chaotic. He relied on takeout food, played computer games, and kept a completely inverted sleep schedule. He often argued with me, and beat and cursed me. Whenever he was in a bad mood, he would start verbally abusing me. He once threw his iPad at me with such force that the iPad’s cover was deformed and my right arm and legs were bruised. Just as the bruises were starting to heal, he hit me again. One time, I cautiously said something unrelated to him, but he became mad. Holding a bottle of mineral water, he swung it forcefully and poured the water right over my head, soaking me.
Many educational practices have now become warped and aberrant due to long-term Party culture indoctrination in China—particularly the influence of atheism, the theory of evolution, the ideology of struggle, and distorted modern concepts. I learned that many children drop out of school, become depressed, and even commit suicide. At the same time, some parents thus develop mental illness, depression, and commit suicide.
Since I am a Dafa practitioner, I know that nothing that happens to me is accidental. I thought I must have done something wrong, so I started to look inward. However, it was easier said than done. Some of my attachments were rooted so deeply that I could not even see them. I calmed down and slowly combed through my life. I started to recall scenes of raising and educating my son, especially the scenes when we were in conflicts. I examined my attitude at that moment, measuring all of it against Dafa’s requirements. As a result, I realized that I had done many things wrong.
Even though those were small matters, my son didn’t protest at the time since he was young, and I thought all those incidents were over since he later entered college. In fact, all of those were just landmines planted on his future path. I knew it was a good thing that the issues had erupted now, as the consequences would be far more severe if they surfaced later. I gradually became less worried. Thinking how lucky I was to become a Dafa practitioner, my heart was filled with hope. Slowly, I let go of many attachments, like wanting him to be successful, worrying about his future, being afraid of being looked down on by others, competitiveness, resentment, arrogance, and self-righteousness. At the same time, I gave up behaviors like speaking to him in an imperious manner and forcing him back to school. I inherited some of these notions from my parents. Mixed with sentimentality, it was hard to eliminate them. I thus intensified my Fa study and immersed myself in the Fa. Sometimes, I even forgot about my son dropping out of school. I was being tempered amidst the tribulation. The situation went from arguing every day to arguing every few days, and then at increasingly longer intervals. The frequency with which these sordid thoughts arose gradually diminished.
Some people suggested that I give my son anti-depressants, and some family members advised me to seek help from a witchdoctor. As a Dafa practitioner, I knew that Dafa was most righteous and powerful, and I would not allow any of those unrighteous things to enter my energy field. I firmly believed that my child was kind-hearted, and he would recover once he understood what was wrong with him. So I did not give him any of these kinds of treatments. With my change, my child miraculously changed, and recovered from his deep depression and mental illness.
A few years later, he went back to college. He totally changed, and became even better than before he was sick. In his first monthly exam, he got a perfect score in math. He also had good relationships with his professors and classmates. He often spent time with his friends and became an optimistic young man. On several occasions, he apologized to me with tears in his eyes for hitting me in the past. Master and Dafa gave him a new life. Master has given me so much, even though I still have a lot to catch up with.
Deeply Hidden Resentment Exposed
Before the Chinese New Year, a younger relative of my husband’s visited our home to deliver a gift and strengthen our bond. Our two families used to be very close, but later his parents borrowed money from relatives and did not pay it back as promised, stirring up discord among relatives. One of the relatives was an elderly practitioner who indulged and showed favoritism toward this younger man’s mother. Later, the old forces took advantage of her loopholes, and she passed away as a result. This elderly practitioner used to be very diligent. We often shared experiences, and I benefited greatly from her advice. After she passed away, I was deeply impacted, and reflected on why this happened. I told this young relative that they did not need to pay back the 40,000 yuan they borrowed from me, and if he wanted to learn Falun Dafa, I would help. Otherwise, he could contact my husband for any other matters, and there was no need to talk to me.
This relative came to our home before this Chinese New Year and I asked him what he wanted. He said he did not come to learn Falun Dafa, and just wanted to give me some gifts. Hearing that, I closed the door. He said many nice words outside the door. However, images of his parents—untrustworthy, irresponsible, and constantly lying—kept flashing through my mind. I even found myself thinking about the death of the veteran practitioner. The more I heard his words, the more upset, agitated, and angry I became. My right hand even started to shake.
I was shocked, since my hand had never shaken like that before. I thought I had taken my self-interest lightly following the Fa’s requirements. But why was my hand shaking? On the surface, I was calm, but inside I still harbored resentment, felt indignant, and could not let it go. Wasn’t I behaving like an ordinary person? Didn’t this run counter to the cultivation requirement of constantly purifying ourselves? Although I did not want payback on the surface, inside my heart I was still stuck on the issue, and I did not make any change in my heart.
Later, I thought of why I couldn’t talk to him calmly and express my thoughts in that moment. Why couldn’t I treat him with compassion? I knew the kindness inside me was not strong. I was still stuck at the level of an everyday person who did everything according to sentimentality. Behaving like an everyday person, I was disappointed with them, looked down on them, and resented them. I still could not let it go. Instead, I remained entangled in the conflicts of ordinary people, and despite wanting to break free, I could not. Instead, I sank ever deeper. Through this incident, Master exposed my attachment, and let me clearly recognize it and eliminate it.
Not Slacking Off
One of my family members gave out gifts to celebrate the CCP’s Women’s Day in the chat group. I had told them before that I didn’t celebrate all those holidays, which represented modern, deviant concepts. However, my relative ignored my words and observed them anyway. I was annoyed, and made some comments in the chat group.
In the evening, my son said to me, “Mom, you were upset.” I denied it, but when I looked at the comments I made, I realized that my words were tinted with negative emotions like dissatisfaction, and I even used curse words to vent my feelings. When I posted my comments, I thought I had a very insightful view of the issue, and that my understanding was superior to that of the others, but I didn’t realize I had fallen into another distorted view. Master used my child’s words to point out my problem.
One day, I ordered a taxi to pick up my child from school. The taxi driver said to me, “You parents are crazy. You still pick up kids this big!” I didn’t want to pick him up, but he insisted I should. Hearing what the taxi driver thought, I was even more agitated. I complained about my child with bad language. When I got out of the taxi, I slammed the door. At that moment, I noticed that something was wrong with me. I noticed my attachments to self-centeredness, resentment, not taking criticism.
After those two incidents, I thought about them a lot, and realized that Master was again reminding me that my attachments were strong. I wondered why I still could not reach the practitioners’ standard in conflicts even though I spent a lot of time studying the Fa. I felt that I was not even as good as before. In the past, I had never used dirty words, and wondered why it had happened several times recently.
Besides everyday work and necessary housework, I spent all my time doing the Dafa exercises, copying the Fa, reading the Fa, reciting the Fa, and listening to the Fa. I was very diligent, and my heart was full of joy every day. However, for a long time, I added many everyday people’s activities to my daily schedule, aiming to relax myself. I watched some everyday people videos and commentaries. Like my family members, I browsed the internet with my cell phone in the restroom. Unknowingly, my thinking fell into everyday people’s notions and CCP logic. When I encountered issues, I first seized the moral high ground to pass judgment, then ruthlessly attacked the dissenting opinions, venting my feelings. Since I knew some Fa principles, I became self-inflated, lacking a practitioner’s calmness and kindness.
I gradually hit a bottleneck in my cultivation and progressed slowly, and even stagnated. Slacking off had crept in, and my drive for cultivation weakened. I was stuck in that situation and could not get out. I felt pain and wanted to change.
I realized that I had let my guard down, and my slacking off had gradually caused my actions to slide downhill. In the past cultivation environment, monks lived in temples, shaved their heads, and wore monk’s attire. All of this reminded them every moment that they were cultivators. However, we live in an ordinary society, so it is much easier for us to slack off in cultivation. This is very dangerous! I need to advance diligently in cultivation like before.
In the future, I will be strict with myself, look inward when facing conflicts, do the three things well, so Master doesn’t have to worry about me.
Fellow practitioners, please kindly correct any errors in my understanding.
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Category: Improving Oneself
